Sometimes I Just Don't Feel Like Growing Up

If you're wondering why I edited the shit out of this picture, it's because I feel awkward putting pictures of myself on this blog.  I do it anyway because that's what bloggers do if they want their audience to connect with them and see them as "real people."  But I still feel awkward, and it's somehow a little easier to post something like this when I'm slightly less IN YOUR FACE.  (But only slightly.)

This year I will turn 30.  I still have a few months of my 20s left, but I'm basically 30.

I don't know why this seems so terrifying to me.  Maybe it's because I'd always hoped I'd have everything most things figured out by now.  Maybe it's because I pictured a very different life for myself at this age.  Or maybe it's because I realize that I should probably just get my shit together, suck it up, and become, for maybe the first time in my life, a real adult.

I know, I know.  I make it sound as though I've just been breezing through my 20s without a care in the world.  That's not true.  Not at all.

Here's the thing ... I'm actually a pretty responsible person and have been for all most of my life.   (Okay, if I'm going to be completely honest with myself the years 20-22 were kind of ... Exciting.  That's probably the nicest, least offensive way to put it.  I mean, I wasn't a complete trainwreck or anything ... But I could be a bit of a hot mess at times.)

But now?  I'm not perfect by any means, but I always make arrangements to either stay with a friend or get a ride if I've been drinking.  I work hard at my job, which is something I really enjoy but probably won't discuss much on my blog for privacy reasons (I'll share a lot of things, but there are some things I just don't feel comfortable talking about in much detail).  I'm in a relationship that has almost hit the 7 year mark (though we've only been married for a few months), and there's now talk of starting a family and buying a home within the next year or two.

Maybe it's the change that scares me.  It's not like I'm turning 30 and everything is staying the same.  I'm turning 30 and some major life changes are going to follow.  And, to be perfectly honest, I'm not always sure I'm ready to make these changes.

Buying a house?  It will be nice to actually own something, but it's a lot of work.  It can be expensive and time consuming to keep up with everything.  It makes living somewhere more permanent.  I mean, we're not opposed to staying where we are, but there's so much out there ... I like the idea that if one (or both) of us were given the right opportunity, we could move without much difficulty.

And then there's having a baby.  I was never one of those women who longed to be a mother.  In fact, it was one of many reasons my first serious relationship ended.  He wanted kids.  I didn't.  My feelings have changed to some extent, but I can't say that I'm not apprehensive about the whole thing.  Having kids changes things.  And sometimes I'm afraid that I'm just not ready for things to change.

The point here is this: I've mostly turned into a responsible, productive adult with a lot going for me and a lot to look forward to.  But turning 30 (and experiencing the major life changes that will likely go along with it) seems like it will solidify this whole adult thing.  And that's scary.